I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
