how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The beers last night were like the tears from god
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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