2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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