Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
