Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
