You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
