tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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