Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
