yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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