he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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