my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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