hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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