I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The power of my boobs compel you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
