but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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