My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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