i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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