i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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