Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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