omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
