If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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