the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
