The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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