the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
