I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we made out on top of his cat.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
