It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
