I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
