the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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