Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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