The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm an idiot
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?