Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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