I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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