I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.