remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
