Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.