Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
