Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
