Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
