Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
