you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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