Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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