Your face is a jimmy john
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The best revenge is premature balding
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
