Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
