the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
