Already got asked if we're dating
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
