But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
