it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
