not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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