I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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