Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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