I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Randomize
