Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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