mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize