I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
