The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
